He came to set the captives free!

I received a letter from Edie a few days ago. You don’t know Edie, but I want to introduce you to her.

Edie is a listener of The JOY FM and will be running with us in February.  I read Edie’s note and it completely stopped me in my tracks.  While I’ve heard from many of you who are inspired to run for human trafficking, Edie’s was the first letter I received from someone who has actually been trafficked.  With her permission, I am posting the email I received from Edie. Since this note, she has sent me the letter that she wrote to her mom as part of her healing process.  Whoa. She described in detail the abuse. I felt many conflicting emotions. In short, it’s simply just unimaginable.

Here are Edie’s exact words when I asked if I could share with you:

And truly, Carmen, the Lord has placed it on my heart to tell my story, and if it helps one woman I have been blessed.

Meet Princess Edie…..

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I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard that you and a few others are running for Freedom. My heart jumped for joy. Knowing that people are speaking out for Human Trafficking and women that don’t have a voice.  You see, from the age of 10 to 17, I was tracfficked. My mom’s boyfriend sold me to over 150 men. The effects from the abuse just about killed me.

BUT…I found the Lord and He healed me. The beatiful thing is at the end of my mom’s boyfriends life, I was able to go and share the gospel with him. He committed his life to the Lord.

I have never ran a marthon before and I am not a runner, but this coming February 26,2012, I wil be running for “Team Freedom” …. running for women that dont have a voice. Because I know first hand what they have lived through and are stilling living through.

Thank you for this opportunity to run.

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If this doesn’t inspire you, nothing will. I ran 4 miles today. I thought of Edie the whole time.

Edie, your strength, your courage to tell your story & your faith in Jesus Christ, our ultimate Healer inspires me. I canNOT wait to meet you in person.

Hey Guys,

Regina wrote this note the other day on Facebook and tagged me in it. I asked her if I could share it on my blog. She agreed. I loved what she had to say because this was/is SO me! My favorite part of what she said (and I don’t want to give it away) but what will be seen on February 26 vs. what folks will have not have seen on this training road that we’re currently traveling. (and I confess, I’m struggling more this year than I did last year. Not sure why yet).

If you are running the Princess Half with us, let Regina’s words encourage you. One quick update, tho….Regina posted the other day that she’s up to almost 4 miles. YOU GO GIRL!

2 quick notes:

1. If you’re running with TEAM FREEDOM, and would like to share with the others, send me your thoughts, and I will post here for everyone to read.

2. If you’re thinking about running, there is STILL time. All the info is here. I did take a look at Disney’s site today, and the Princess Half is 55% full on their end, just FYI.

 ”Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” ~ Hebrews 12:1

Princess Regina

When the girls asked me to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon with them in February, I agreed for two reasons:

* I wanted an excuse to have more fellowship with this amazing group of ladies I so greatly admire
* I am acutely aware of my once-toned and fit self getting, well, fat and lazy.

We are running for a very worthy cause, Natalie Grant’s project Abolition International, combatting human trafficking. I wish I could say I joined out of a rush of compassion for the cause. Or even because I wanted to increase my health and fitness. But no, my motives were really pretty selfish – I wanted to be a part of the girls, and I wanted to look better.

So I grudgingly strapped on my sneakers and got out there. I am NOT a runner. As a matter of fact, I can’t stand it. I have tried every other form of exercise there is, just to be able to avoid it. But, with 13 miles of tiara-strewn pavement looming, I have no choice.

Running last night I was in pain. I am struggling with it all, I am not enjoying it. Last night as I came up on a cutoff that could have gotten me home quicker, cutting off the back 1/3 of my training route, I slowed to a walk and gave all the usual excuses to let myself off the hook. Honestly, who would care if I quit? Who would know?

And then something rose up in me. “You can do this! You made a commitment, Regina. It’s worth it.” The money is going to a great cause, and I am increasingly honored to be involved. But also – it represents a spiritual truth. As I run my race, the race God has asked me to run, often it is just God and me. No one giving me accolades, no one seeing the struggle. So often people see the result, and they think you are so strong. They do not understand the pain, and the commitment, and the sheer trust in Him that it takes to get there.

So looking up to a stormy sky, I saw the North Star shining through a break in the clouds. “You and me, Lord”, I whispered, and broke into a run. The back third of my run was no easier – I struggled. But I ran through it without thinking of quitting, because I knew I was running with God, and He gave me the grace to keep going.

I understood all at once that our race with the Lord often starts out of selfishness – we cry out in need. We call out to God because we want something in our own lives to be better. We want our needs met. And He lovingly lets us join the race, wisely knowing what the journey will entail, and what it will produce. Somewhere along the pavement, somewhere on a dark street corner, you give it to Him, and you realize that your race, although solitary, is for the good of many others. And you begin to run, not alone, but before the cloud of witnesses.

In February, people see will see me running more easily, with a tiara and a smile, surrounded by friends. They will see the photos, hold the medal, cheer the victory and listen to the stories. But they won’t see the pain, the lonely nights of running, the mental struggle. In all things, I am finding, I can only do it with Him.

Phillippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me.

We had Bill’s former partner, Tim Nixon, on today. He was hilarious!! With Tim here visiting and us celebrating our 25th anniversary this year, Bill decided to map out the shows since we signed on in 1986.  I’d like to note that we are the longest running morning show!

2006-Present           The Morning Cruise with Dave, Bill & Carmen

2005-2006:               The Morning Cruise with Dave & Bill

2003-2005:               Bill & Friends

2001-2003:               Dan & Laura

2000-2001:               The Morning Cruise with Dave & Dan

1996-2000:               The Morning Cruise with Dave & Bill

1994-1996:               Bill & Michelle

1992-1994:               Bill & Tim in the Morning

1989-1991:               The Morning Show with Bill & Kathy

1986-1989:               Dave Kirby & Kathy Bussey “Kathy & Kirby”

our 1st Night of Joy broadcast as The Morning Cruise. Yes, I bought us these "matching" Mickey T's. They would never admit it, but they still wear these shirts to this day!

Thanks Billiam for helping me post this!  And princesses, remember … this is the training schedule I am choosing to do. (see additional notes in previous post). Feel free to do whatever works for you!

GET SCHEDULE HERE! 

Hey Princesses!

I’ve loved hearing from so many of you! I’ve received some pretty incredible emails. (Actually, I think I may ask permission to post some of them here. Stay tuned….)

We officially have over 30 Princesses on TEAM FREEDOM!  I’ll be catching up with Natalie on the phone this week, so make sure you’re listening. We’ll see how she’s doing with her training. I know she’s been sick lately. I have too. And I’m behind a few weeks in my training. But I will catch up….

I’ve been working on a training schedule the last couple of days. Now I’m just trying to figure out how to publish it. I tried to copy and paste it into my blog, but the margins & the pretty princess pink colors aren’t showing up. Boo! I’m not the most savvy chart maker; this one simple chart took me hours and hours to make. haha. I’ve converted the document to a .pdf, so maybe Bill can help me with it tomorrow. In the meantime, here’s a screenshot of it!

Princess Training Part 2

Here are a few notes about the Training Schedule that I will (eventually!) post and a couple other random thought on this rainy Sunday afternoon:

1. This is the training schedule I am choosing to do. BY ALL MEANS, this is NOT the only way to train. You can train however you feel most comfortable. I am NOT an expert. Let me REPEAT: I am SO not an expert!

2. Definitely check with your doctor to make sure you are in good physical condition to train for such a strenuous endeavor.

3. I will be training using the Jeff Galloway method. This method is a combination of walk/run intervals. Specifically, I will be running 12 mins (hopefully 1 mile) and then will be running a 3:1 ratio. Meaning, I will run for 3 mins and walk for 1 minute. The reason I will be running for 12 minutes in the beginning is because having done the half last year, it’s a little bottlenecked in the beginning and we ended up running most of the 1st mile just so we could get to a place where we could spread out. Of course your adrenaline is high and you feel like you can run the whole thing. BUT….trust me, you will want to conserve your energy and pace yourself for the latter miles. Miles 10-13 were a struggle for me. I hope to do better this year. I will train TO DO better this year!  I will say passing the woman in the wheelchair at mile 12 did inspire me. I told myself, “if she can do this, I can do this!” She was amazing!

4. 1st timers, DO NOT pay attention to a “finishing time”. Your goal is simply to finish! Shoot, that’s my goal again this year! I’m not at all concerned about time. Probably won’t ever be. I just want to finish. If I do have a goal, it’ll be to finish not as tired as last year!

5. On the “Easy Walk” days, I’d suggest walking at least 25 minutes. I don’t think you have to go longer than 45-50 minutes. Again, this is how I would do it. But I am NOT an expert! Have I mentioned that I am not an expert?

6. Keep a pace that does not have you huffing & puffing. Most say that you should be able to carry on a conversation. I will tell you that I run at a pace as to not huff & puff, but I absolutely, positively am not able to carry on a conversation. As a matter of fact, I’m even too tired to listen! (well, I can listen during the walking parts.) But I’m definitely not one to talk while running. On your LSD (long slow distance) days (mine will be Saturday) you should run a tad slower than your 30 minute days.

7. Make sure if you’re running with Team Freedom, that you are registered with BOTH Disney & The JOY FM. Info is here! The registration for the Princess Half is $150 through Disney. To run with Natalie & Team Freedom, we are asking that you make a donation/fundraise $350 for Abolition International, Natalie’s non-profit organization. The sole purpose of AI is to combat domestic and international sex trafficking through accreditation, advocacy, education, and restoration.  We will have a Princess Pasta Party with an acoustic performance with Natalie Grant on Friday evening before the run in Tampa (location TBD), you will receive a team T-shirt, photo op with Natalie, tiara, and some other fun things for joining the Team. While the goal is to finish a half marathon (and we will!), the ultimate goal is to raise awareness and funds for Abolition International.

8. Many of you have asked for a copy of my running mix with the pre-set timed out prompts indicating when to run, when to walk. As much as I would love to provide a copy for you, I can’t. Here’s why: it’s illegal. I know the intended purpose is for training for the half (and your heart is absolutely in the right place!) But burning a copy or making available  a copy would be “sharing” (nice word this generation uses for stealing) artists’ music of which one didn’t pay. Granted, it’d have bells, dings and Dave, Bill, Krispy & Dan recorded all over the top of it, but it’s just not something I can do.  Thanks for understanding.

3 great options for you:

1. Ironman watches have interval settings.

2. The Jeff Galloway Run-Walk-Run Vibrating Timer.

3. A gymboss.

Of course, I could make available the template I am using without the music, but it’d definitely be without the music and you’d need audio editing software to lay it over your music. I would be happy to share that, if you have someone who could mix it down for you. I will post titles of what I’m running to soon. And, I’d love to hear what you are running to, as well. I’m always looking for new running music! Always, always!

9. Nutrition is important. After each run, make sure you refuel with protein & carbs. I personally like Muscle Milk (and for you lactose intolerant folks, there’s not any milk in it. Ha! True, tho.)

Muscle Milk

Also, overall nutrition is important. Lots of fruits, veggies, lean proteins, good carbs, etc.  Of course, don’t take after me and “over-nourish!” I gained 14 pounds training last year. I’m still struggling to get off the last 5 pounds. Last go round my unspoken motto was, “oh, I’m training for a half marathon, I can have that. Oh, I’m training for a half marathon, I will run it off this weekend”  But clearly, I “out nourished” my calories burned. I will be wiser this year.

10. My friend Chris Hughes shared a quote from a famous running author, John Bingham, with me last year:

“The miracle isn’t that I finished.

The miracle is that I had the courage to start.”

I am SO proud of you for starting! If you have any tips or inspiration, please share with us…..

I just counted. It’s 21 weeks til the Princess Half Marathon. With Honduras (sadly), our 25th anniversary concert, and sharathon (almost) behind me, training is kicking into high gear!  And thank you, Lord, for the cooler temps. Please let them stay below 85!  My friend Becca was here last weekend and we ran together, doing our C25K. It was hot. And it was humid. She did GREAT! I was dying!

Bec lives in Nashville with her husband Josh. (yes, that Josh!) and she’s running the Princess Half with Team Freedom. I asked her if she would guest blog to encourage those who might still be considering joining, but perhaps unsure if they can do it. Bec and I both say to you, “YES! Yes, you CAN!”

from my sweet friend, Becca……

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Hi fellow princesses.  And maybe princes.  And beautiful people all around!

Carmen said I could chime in on this running blog thing, and so I thought I’d take a go at it! 

First of all, my name is Becca Wilson.  I am 23 years old.  I am not a runner.  I am running the Disney Princess Half Marathon on the 26th of February.  I am crazy.

me & bec

(You say, “Hello, Becca.”)

I truly do feel crazy doing this!  When Carmen tweeted about her registering, I have no idea what food I ate that night or what Josh put in my coke, but I said I’d do it, too!  HA!

For the next two to three weeks, I literally thought someone else had gotten into my body and was speaking through my mouth, “I am running a half marathon.”  That is how crazy I felt.  I have always despised running.  I had no understanding of the people who said it helped them “clear their head.”  I’ve always said, “I will boogie down to Michael Jackson for 10 hours straight, but I will never like running a mile.”  But what I quickly realized, and something I’ve known about myself for a long time, was that I was scared of doing anything that challenged me.  Something that takes a lot of work instantly turns me the other way.  Some people are challenged and driven by a big task at hand.  My personality is the opposite.  I give up; let others take it on, saying that I am a great cheerleader for those people. 

As I really thought it through, my sweet husband, Josh, was MY cheerleader.  He said that he thought it would be a really good thing for me.  I voiced to him that I am not a disciplined person (old news) and that I was doing very little activity at the time to be healthy.  I remember seeing Audrey Assad say something on Twitter about working out, and how becoming disciplined in exercise can seep into your spiritual disciplines.  Though I long and seek to be disciplined in prayer, reading the Word, meditating on the Lord and His voice, I am not.  Though I long to be healthy and have a good quality of life, I do not. 

I tend to only like doing things I am good at.  (Don’t we all?)  That’s why I was so turned off from running.  Since beginning my training, the Lord has awakened my heart that really was, for a season, caught in the mundane.  What I am constantly realizing is my need for His grace because of my weakness and sin.  To not be His disciple is truly a definition of selfishness.  With selfishness comes my desire to be lazy, to put worldly things/false needs in front of Him.  Becoming a “runner” is bringing my heart, mind, and body to surrender to His will and His strength. 

On top of this desire to be healthy and to dive deeper in becoming more of a disciple of Jesus, I’ve always wanted to be Ariel.  Princess Ariel, that is.  Sadly, I was not born with red hair, nor a tail fin.  But maybe… just maybe… I could at LEAST run by her!  All of these thoughts and desires impacted my decision to run with Team Freedom for the Princess Half.  And as many of you know, if the lovely Carmen Brown starts talking you into something, you just can’t say no! 

I took Carmen’s advice and have been running with the Couch 2 5K app on my iPhone.  I have.. dare I say.. LOVED it!  I am loving how it has gradually built my endurance/tolerance for running.  I will second her recommendation to use that to start your training, along with her other tips on getting ready for this!  One other piece of advice from the little experience I have is…

            -keep changing up the scenery!  I love my runs so much more when it’s a new area I’m not used to seeing!  Even if it’s choosing a different street in the neighborhood to run down, it helps keep me interested in running further to see what else there is on that street!

Last but not least, what an awesome chance we have to partner with an incredible organization like Abolition International, in order to give life, opportunity, and eternal Love to the imprisoned, abandoned, and broken.  I am so excited to learn more about Abolition International as we run for those who can’t… (to quote Carmen)… yet! 

P.S.- Now I’m running AND boogeying to Michael Jackson.  Don’t judge me.  

We’ve been celebrating “25 years of helping you find joy” all year.  Our 25th anniversary concert was this past saturday night. Audrey Assad, Josh Wilson, Britt Nicole and Brandon Heath were our special guests. We love ALL of these artists and have true “outside the industry” friendships with each of them.

reeeaaally "special" relationships!

When I woke up this morning, Kim, Dan Brodie’s wife, had sent me a link to her blog. She had blogged her thoughts about saturday evening. I asked her if i could share here with you.

But first let me set the scene:

Countryside Christian Center is one of our favorite venues. They have a beautiful building. Large stage. Great lighting. Fantastic acoustics. etc. etc. The stage is rectangular (no surprise), and there is a semi-circle stage, if you will, that is adjacent to the main stage. Around the circumference of the semi-circle, there are 2 steps down to the main floor. The artist mic is set up, center stage, where the main stage and the straight side of the semi circle come together.

Brandon had started his set and the crowd was on their feet, dancing and singing along.  There is a decent gap between the semi-circle portion of the stage and the front row. After a few songs, Brandon invited all of the kids down to fill in the gap.  They eagerly accepted his invitation and made their way down front. He went into his next song, the children gathered around the semi-circle part of the stage, most on the floor, but I’m sure some seated on the steps, too.  He finished that song and then asked everybody if we’d like to hear a country song. It was unanimous.  Of course, we did!  All was great!

AND THEN…..

well, I’m not sure.

I don’t exactly know what happened or what he saw, but all I heard was “yeah, y’all come on up!”

Simultaneously, he began singing his new country song while the children accepted this invitation to close the gap a little more.

pic i took from my iPhone as i was sweating bullets....

One line into the song, and he was completely surrounded. There were kids everywhere! Most were holding up cell phones taking videos and pictures.  A couple of the kids had made their way behind him. A few more were on the sides elbowing one another for the front, front-er, and front-est spot. One little girl actually grabbed his mic stand and started rocking it. At that point he squatted (still in the middle of the song) smiled at her, and with big eyes, shook his head “noooo” as if to say: “you are precious, and it’s ok if you’re here, but you can’t shake my mic stand while I’m singing.” I watched B’s band … Joe, Hai, Josh, Matthew … they were all looking at one another somewhat nervously with a “not sure what’s gonna happen here, but we’ll just go with it!”  I saw a few of the parents go down and get their children, but they were packed in so tightly, there was no getting anybody!

I’m not sure anyone heard the song he sang; we were all too pre-occupied watching a live scene of “Kindergarten Cop, Brandon Heath edition.”  He joked after the song, “this is the night Brandon became the babysitter.”

And this brings me to Kim’s blog below.  I believe many of us shared the tension she felt.

BUT…also arrived at the same place she did.

It was indeed a real, live, picture image. Of course, this is why we love him so. And it wouldn’t have been a 25th anniversary celebration without him.

precious!

they definitely had the best seats in the house!

hands down, my favorite pic of the night! we were singing 'you put the light in me.' the lights from the cellphones, the kids...reminded me of brando' s video for this song. love. love.

Photo credit: Matt Dossey. Thanks, Matt!

Do you have Brandon’s new CD, Leaving Eden yet?

After I found more team members for the toddler room, Shaun walked me to the infant room.  There were babies everywhere. At least a dozen. There was also a boy who wasn’t a baby at all. He was special needs, still wearing a diaper, and a onesie that could no longer snap, but now fit him as a snug shirt. (in the picture I posted a few days ago, he is wearing a red shirt; that was later put on him). He waved at me as I walked in.  It was abundantly clear that of all the babies who got little to no attention, this boy got even less. If his wave could’ve spoken, it would’ve said, “look at me! I am here! please somebody see me.”  I greeted him with a kiss on the forehead.  He raised his hands and reached for me. They were all reaching for me.  Shaun & I walked through the 4 rows of cribs that made 2 aisles.  In the very first crib were 2 newborns. I immediately noticed the one on the left (remember this for later). She was BEAUTIFUL!! Absolutely perfect. Perfect lips. Perfect fingers. Perfect nose. And perfectly sleeping.  I walked though and looked at the rest of the babies.  Most were special needs; or “without potential” as they are labeled.  Their life is their crib. One little boy had a tumor on the top of his head the size of a lemon. There were dozens of others, some with tubes, some not. They were all either listless or asleep.

Like the toddlers, I wanted these babies to be held. I left the room to find more team members. A mixture of anger and overwhelming grief were my two emotions. I found Pat, Lesley, Audrey, Gwen and Marci. As much as I tried to prepare them for what they would see, there really is no way you can do that. When you enter the room and see the conditions, babies on the floor, babies in their cribs; rows & rows of babies, it simply takes your breath away.  We walked through the door, and I watched my friend’s eyes simultaneously fill with tears. Each went to a baby; some scooped up two. My friend, Gwen reached down to pick up Colvin (we later learned) as if she were picking up her own son for the very first time (she has 2 grown ones). Colvin was the one with the lemon sized tumor.  The perfect newborn in the front crib was still sleeping. Marci got down in the floor with the special needs boy and had 2 more on each hip. I joined her with 2 others.  We were all just rocking, crying, rocking, and crying some more.  After twenty minutes or so, I knew what we needed. We needed Jesse.

jesse playing for the babies

Again, like the toddler, I peeled babies off of me and handed them to my friends. I ran downstairs and said, “Jesse, get your violin and come with me NOW!”  We ran back upstairs. Jesse – just like the rest of us – had the same reaction when he walked through the door for the first time.  Seriously, it takes your breath away. Your eyes are seeing the conditions, but your head and heart are rejecting it.  You can’t wrap your brain around the fact that this really exists. Jesse, definitely still processing what he was seeing, pulled out his violin, looked at me and asked, “what should I play?” Instinctively I said, “Amazing Grace.”

When Jesse began to play, the sweetest aroma filled the room. The babies who could crawl or walk, moved in a little closer. The ones we were holding, sank into our arms a little deeper.  For the next 15 minutes, we held babies to “How Great Thou Art,” “Great is Thy Faithfulness,” “Jesus Loves Me,” and “It is Well.”  During, “It is Well,” I lost it completely.  It wasn’t  well with my soul. There was nothing about this place or this room that was well with my soul. If anything, I wanted Jesus to come back right then and there.  After a few more songs, Mike, Sam & Nate came to us. They had been playing for the toddler room.  The music continued. Music has always been a key part of these trips. Today it was therapy. If you could’ve seen how these babies responded to the boys playing, you would’ve been amazed. The calm. The peace. You could physically feel the healing power of music. I  glanced over at the crib, and the little sleeping beauty that I’d been keeping my eye on was still sleeping. After a few songs, Mike wasn’t even singing anymore. He and Jesse were just playing. They’d lost Sam to baby holding. Nate was already in the floor holding two.  I wanted to freeze frame this moment. I was witnessing pure and undefiled religion in the eyes of the Father.

Holy Ground

And then I heard someone say, “Sam, look at me,” … meaning they were taking a picture. I looked over and Sam had MY baby! I smiled at him, and said, “No, Sam, she’s mine!! I’ve been waiting for her to wake up for almost an hour!”  He knew it was a righteous jealousy.   I eventually made my way to this precious little girl, and held her as if I really could bring her home. Gwen was still holding Colvin, and we held our babies in the back of the nursery as Mike & Jesse continued to play.  We swayed and rocked those babies to the music….the thing that mothers do when we hold babies. It’s instinctive.  Almost simultaneously, we asked each other, “I wonder what their names are?”  We’d decided that if we couldn’t find out, we’d name them ourselves. Because we both needed to have a name for these babies.  Colvin was going to be Jose’ and my baby was going to be Isabella.

gwen & colvin

A little later, Shaun came in and told me we’d need to leave in about 10 minutes.  The tears hadn’t stopped flowing since I first stepped foot in this room, but they were really flowing now. I asked God, “Lord, please please please let me know who she is when we’re in Heaven one day. Lord, please let her walk up to me and say ‘I’m the little baby girl you held that day.’”  I told Mike & Jesse we had time for 1 more song. They’d been playing instrumentally this whole time.  So, with no words – only music – they began “Someone Worth Dying For.”  Oh my goodness, that song has never sounded sweeter to my ears.  Emotions were already tender, and we were clinging to the truth: one day there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more goodbyes. When the boys were finished and putting away their guitar & violin, I said to the team, “Look at this little girl. Because when we’re all in Heaven one day, I want y’all to be there when the Lord lets me know who she is.”

We only had a few minutes left. And even though Gwen and I had named our babies, that really wasn’t settling for us. We both agreed we had to know their names before we left.  One of the orphanage workers was back in the adjoining room. They’d mostly left us be with the babies.  One of our interpreters was there now, too, as we were all saying our goodbyes.  We asked the interpreter if she’d ask the worker to come over to our side of the room. She met us at the little gate that separated the rooms.  As you have read, Gwen’s baby boy was Colvin.  After we got Colvin’s name, we asked about my baby girl. The interpreter said, “this little baby…what is her name?” The worker pointed to my baby and said, “this baby?” We said, “Si. Si.”  She said, “su nombre es Carmen.”

All I will ever remember about that moment is looking at Gwen and both of us letting out an audible sob. Her name was Carmen! We couldn’t believe it. The baby that I was first drawn to when I walked into the nursery. Her name was Carmen! If ever I wanted to take a baby, it was now. I’m not sure if I know what weeping really is, but I was in the back of this nursery holding this baby crying uncontrollably.

But it was time to go. I didn’t have a choice.

"car car" has a whole new meaning

Laying her back down in that crib, was one of THE HARDEST things I’ve ever had to do in my life.  My heart wasn’t just in pieces. It was out of my chest and in the crib with Carmen.  I couldn’t look back. We walked out the nursery and down the steps. I was literally hyper-ventilating and could not catch my breath. We looked back up to see a little boy peering out the window at us. That only made it worse. I walked through the courtyard, into a hallway towards the front gate to try and catch my breath, hoping for a moment of respite. I didn’t find one. A truck had just pulled up delivering another newborn.

“I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you.” -John 14:18.

Emotionally, physically and spiritually depleted, that was the only thing I hold onto.

i will always remember this moment

nate-o

sweet pat's heart was breaking too

jesse & another sweet pea

As I mentioned in earlier posts, yesterday afternoon was a really hard day. I said I would share when I get home. And I will.  But I had a chance to write for a bit today…

As I began to journal, I realized this will have to be a 2-parter. (I’m getting good at those on mission trips). There’s so much I want to share with you. I’m struggling with being completely honest – or – softening the truth a bit.  The reason I would soften would be filtering sensitivities to governments, government workers, and the buckner in-country staff of which I have huge respect & admiration (the work they do here is hard. they are the unsung heroes!!!)

But I am choosing to lay it out there, as I saw and experienced the orphanage we visited yesterday afternoon. But even with that said, my words will fall woefully short in painting the picture for you. It’ll end up being a black & white at best.

looking from the inside out

Hands down, yesterday was the hardest day I’ve ever experienced on a shoe trip in 4 years. If there’s a notch above homeless, this orphanage was it. When I say food, water, clothing (barely) & shelter; I mean food, water, clothing and shelter. That’s it.

Besides the one little boy with open sores from head to toe and an eye that had been severely wounded at some point in the past , we were greeted by no one when we arrived. Hear me say, we don’t deserve to be greeted, nor do we expect it. But most times the children are playing in the yard as we walk through the gate, or at least we see the director or a worker. But not here. It could’ve been deserted except for the one little boy, as far as we knew.

As we walked through the hallway into the courtyard, we entered the “prison.” We were standing in the middle of a two-story building, a perfect square with multiple rooms, barred windows, and locked doors. I walked past a couple of windows, and lots of little eyes looked back at me. The children had already been split into groups and each team was shown which room they would serve. The green team (my team, but mostly I’m a floater) went to our assigned room. We didn’t have the names or shoes sizes of the children, so we took construction paper, traced their feet, and found sizes based on the tracing. The kids were sitting on 2 sides, backs against the walls. The room had bare walls, terra-cotta tile, and that was pretty much it. Oh, there was one column in the middle of the room. I think there was a chair here or there, but I couldn’t stop looking at the kids to really notice anything else in the room. But whatever was there, wasn’t much. It was barren and sterile. The kids looked like they’d been swept in off the streets. Survival of the fittest is the name of the game. Here’s where it was equal: each had bald spots on their heads, open sores, infections, lice, rotting teeth, dirty feet….you get the picture. They had big brown eyes, but many looked dazed, hollow, and sad. I did get a couple of sheepish grins from a few of the girls. There were 3 in particular that were huddled together. Clearly, “they” were all “they” had.

We’d made the decision that the boys (mikeschair) would follow behind the shoes and play songs for each of the groups in their respective rooms. When shoes were done for our group, and the boys were singing, Shaun (our group leader) came and got me because she wanted me to see the toddler room. When she opened the door, the first thing that hit me was the stench. It smelled like this room housed the sanitation department. It was anything but. Our team was holding as many kids as they could, some double-fisted, but they were out-numbered. A little boy “toddled” over to me; his diaper in desperate need of changing. He reached out his arms wanting me to hold him. I picked him up and he laid his head on my shoulder. He smelled terrible. And not just from the diaper. He was a dirty, and looked like he’d not been bathed in weeks. I swayed, rocked and hugged him as tightly as I could. Of course, I wanted it to be a 1:1 ratio, so after a few minutes, I tried to sit him down so I could go downstairs and recruit other professional toddler holders. When I tried to sit him down, he wrapped his legs around my waist and his arms around my neck as if I was hanging him over a cliff. He did NOT want to let go. Of course, my natural instinct was to hold him a little longer. Two more times I tried to sit him down so I could go for others, but he wasn’t having any part of this. The reality of his conditions sucker punched my heart. A dozen questions went through my mind: how often is he held? what is he thinking? what parts does he understand? what must it feel like to not have daily human touch other than an occasional diaper change? does his sub-conscience kick in and say “if I hold on tight enough will one of them not let me go?” I walked over to Pam, who may’ve already had 2, and I said, “please hold him. I can’t sit him down.” Walking out of the room to go and find others, part of me felt guilty that I was yet another in his life who would let him down.

After I found more team members for the toddler room, Shaun walked me to the infant room.

And here’s where I’ll stop for tonight.

And just FYI, there’s no “rest of the story” to the toddler room. There’s no red bow. They are still orphans. And they are still there.

I will tell you about this day when I get home. I will write it out. And I will share it on the air. I want to paint the whole picture for you, but since I can’t right now,  I’m posting a few pictures for you to see. Like Manchen in Guatemala, this is a government run orphanage. And when I say the conditions were deplorable, I mean they were worse than that….

Shaun, our group leader took me to see the baby room. When I walked through the wooden door, not only did I see things I’ve never seen before in my life, but I saw dozens and dozens of babies that needed some human touch.  Many were special needs, others were not. The oldest was probably 9 or 10, still in a diaper with an adult-sized onesie.

After holding a few of the babies for about 10 minutes, I knew I needed some more arms for holding. I went and grabbed a few friends off each team. I couldn’t leave there having these babies not be held. Even if only for an hour. Every single one of the team members I brought back had the same reaction when they walked through the door. First you smell the stench, then you see the conditions, then you see the sheer numbers of babies (with 2 workers. NOT blaming them), and you’re completely overwhelmed that this is their reality.  It is so utterly heart-breaking, that you have to wrangle the sobs, so you can bend down and pick up a baby.

So much more to the story …. but a few pics for now.

loving these babies as best we can....

gwen & colvin

nate & sam with some sweet peas